CAPTAIN ANNOYING

I was watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition last night, and was pleasantly surprised that they were in Farmville, VA. Not that I’m excited about Farmville or anything, but – if I remember correctly – it’s somewhere in between McLean/Tysons Corner and Leesburg. It’s “rolling hills and trees” country, which is nice. I’d take the rolling hills and trees over the boring, brown hills and windmills of California any day. But still, I would probably go out-of-my-mind living in Farmville, VA.

Anyway… Whenever I watch EMHE, I totally get teary-eyed and get all emo like a lil’ bitch. It’s sad, actually. And it’s worse when I’m drunk or buzzed. And last night, after a couple of beers, I was definitely feeling the emo spirit watching the show. And who wouldn’t be? This week’s story was pure Americana at its best ---a soldier in Iraq flies home to be with his family, who is basically homeless because he couldn’t finish the dream house that he started making for them (...which was creepily modelled after some historical house that once stood in the land that the family now owns; can we say "haunted?"). He’s got a wife, and two sons –the youngest being autistic. It was a classic story that totally would tug at the hearts of any warm-blooded person with feelings, a heart, and a sense of care for others.

But for some reason I could not vibe with this episode too well because one of the sons annoyed me. The older son (which will henceforth be referred to as “Captain Annoying”) was just so annoyingly dorky that it made me want to throw-up my dinner. He was all shocked and screamy, and huggy and all sorts of annoying things. I mean I know he was emotionally driven to act out due to the sheer happiness and charity that Farmville, VA (and ABC) gave to him and his family, but DAMN! I just wanted him to shut-up and be calm. He totally ruined the show for me, and I wanted to poke my eyes out by the time it was almost over.

In related thoughts, I wonder why the EMHE team goes through all these lengths to make these fantasy-like bed rooms for the kids. For Captain Annoying, they made his room with an “aquarium-like” theme; his bed was furnished to look like an angler-fish ---which is an extremely disgusting-looking fish, by the way. And Captain Annoying was totally like, “OH WOW! YAY! SHIVER ME TIMBERS!” OK, maybe he didn’t say “shiver me timbers,” but the way he was going about it he might as well have said something along those lines. You know for a fact that two months into living in that room, he’ll be over the aquarium thing, and will want a room furnished after race cars, or hamsters, or something. How about when he’s in high school, and is trying to impress his friends? Will he be like, “Oh, come up to my super cool aquarium-themed room! We can pretend we’re at the Baltimore Aquarium, and drink from sippy cups!” I just feel like they spend all this money on these themed-rooms, when they could probably tone it down and give these kids cool, yet absolutely normal-looking rooms.

I think I’m just really annoyed that the kid was super annoying. It’s kind of like watching David Archuleta after he sings his songs on AI. Sure -- he’s got a voice, and sure he’s the favorite of Teeny-Bopper America. I’m sure he’s on the cover of all the BOP and Tiger Beat magazines that are out these days. But when Ryan Seacrest starts talking to him after his performances, David turns into Sir Annoy-o of the Fucking Lame Table.

I really shouldn’t be so hard on these kids, but damn.